This remedy was made from a Tincture of Badiaga from Helios Pharmacies. It was triturated by Dr Paul Theriault alone from September 15th to 20th 2014. This remedy was quite special to me, being the first trituration preformed in the Table of Animals Project.This document is published in The Table of Animals: The Porifera, Ctenophora and Cnidaria
C1-3:
The first three levels of the trituration present a picture of a being beset by fear of existing. Existence seems uncertain and terrifying. There are no guarantees in life, and anything could potentially happen. On a conscious level the being copes with this fear by either rationalizing it away, or by escaping into an out of body dream state in which love is everywhere, and it has no separation between it and that love.
In both states, reality is so terrifying that the being cannot commit to it. In the words of the triturations itself “I am in life. I’m here in body. I just can’t bring myself to commit to it due to fear and uncertainty”
C1:
Preformed September 15th 2014:
- I’m feeling a contraction of my aura. Its like my aura is shriveling up and drying out
- It’s as if my outer aura feels like a sponge. It is rough and has a lot of holes in it
- My energy feels heavier. More childish
- I feel a heaviness in my actions. Taking action seems to involve more effort than it normally does
- I feel slow and a bit stupid. I’m less reflective, less smart and much less suspicious. I am more accepting. I just take what comes to me, without a lot of processing
- I feel short of breath. I am a bit anxious because of losing my breath
- I feel a pressure on my chest, pushing down (i.e. a pressure on chest pushing dorsally)
- This pressure is not hard or intense, but it is widespread
- I feel timid. I feel generally nervous, afraid and anxious
- I feel like there is a moisture in my lungs
- The inside of my lungs feels damp
- This dampness makes it harder to breathe
C2:
Preformed September 18th 2014:
- I feel really happy, but it is a false happiness
- Deep down I am quite uncomfortable
- I feel as if I am wary or nervous about something, and the happiness is just a mask on the surface to conceal my deeper feelings
- Now I am afraid! I’m nervous. I’m not afraid of anything in particular, but I am just generally afraid
- Life in general seems quite scary
- My right knee hurts. I feel a soreness, stiffness, boring pain and heat [note: this is a chronic symptom for me, and did not resolve greatly after this trituration]
- I’m really anxious. But nothing in particular is bothering me. It’s a generalized anxiety
- I’m afraid
- I want to cover and hide and shrink away!
- I feel fear, and then a contraction inward. It is as if I just want to withdraw into myself and hide!
- I’m just so unsure and so insecure
- Everything is just so scary!
- I feel an odd feeling in my head
- I feel as if my brain is withdrawing from my meninges and stretching them inward
- The immediate inside of my skull feels as if it is being pulled in
- It is like a pulsing pain in my head
- I also feel a kind of bilious feeling in my head as well
- My throat is a bit raw and sore
- I feel wary of my surroundings
- But overtop all of this fear there is a superficial happiness
- This happiness is almost like a mask, concealing how I really feel
- I look happy and pleasant, but deep down I am worried
C3:
Preformed September 19th 2014:
- I feel my neck and shoulder muscles tensing up
- I feel afraid again and again I have a superficial personality that is covering up this fear. Now (as opposed to C2) however this covering up is a bit more sophisticated
- I feel like I am intellectually justifying everything
- I’m using my intellect to reassure myself and to convince myself that I am not scared and that the world itself is not scary
- This fear is basic and primal. It is I am afraid of everything outside of myself
- It’s as if I think the entire world is terrifying
- There is this basic existential insecurity- life is scary!
- And I can have two strategies
- I can intellectually justify life to myself
- Or I can wear a mask of happiness
- I’m afraid of everything. If something pleasing happens I’m less afraid (but still afraid), but if something bad happens I am terrified!
- Thinking of bad things gives me a feeling, as if my insides are turning to ice!
- Existential insecurity- just existing is scary and dangerous!
- Anything could happen!
- Anything could occur. You could get eaten! Anything could go wrong! There are now guarantees in life
- How do you go about living when there is so much that could go wrong?
- I feel so afraid that I am not really living life
- I am unable to commit to life, it is so scary!
- I look with fear on the whole enterprise of living
- I am having difficulty breathing through my nose- my nasal mucosa are swelling
- I keep getting these odd happy feelings. Mindless Happiness. I still feel the fear, but it is like I am someplace else. I’m outside my mind a bit. I’m experiencing a bit of dreamy escapism from the fear of life.
- It’s as if I am a very beautiful place. Lots of colors, this love is everywhere, lack of personal boundaries between me and this love- its wonderful
- But I only feel this love in my head an upper body. My lower body still feels the fear
- I am in life. I’m here in body. I just cant bring myself to commit to it due to fear and uncertainty.
- I feel dreamy again. It’s so nice to go to that place
- But I still feel that fear
- It’s like I am between the fear and the bliss of the beyond.
- I’d just rather stay in the beyond. Why do I need to be alive anyway?
- But I still feel that fear
- And I can have two strategies
C4
The being now feels a receding of the fear that predominated in C1-3, along with an increased willingness to engage with life. With the fear gone, the being fully enters into their body and feels able to go about the world safely to accomplish something (they’re not quite sure yet what that something is however). The being loves the world and what it encounters within it, in a simple and forthright way. No mention was made of the out of body dreamy state, and I do suspect that the being no longer feels the need to escape into that state any longer.
Preformed September 20th 2014:
- I feel a sense of peace and relaxation
- I feel inner relaxation. It is as if my inside no longer feel frozen (as they did in C3)
- Over the last day I have been attacked online a great deal, but it hasn’t affected me as it often does
- I’m not as afraid. The fear has receeded. Now I just feel an extraordinary exhaustion and fatigue in the absence of that fear
- I feel sleepy, heavy and grounded as well
- I feel like I am really here in my body for the first time. At first being here in a body was very exhausting, but now I feel very clear and level headed. I feel very lucid
- I feel as if I am no longer afraid of life!
- I feel like my fear of what might happen or of getting attacked kept me from fully commiting to being alive.
- Now I feel happy, lucid and ready to make my way in the world. I have no idea what I am going to do yet, but I am going to do something here!
- I feel happy with life. It definitely doesn’t seem as scary as it once did
- I can do it, I want to be here!
- Instead of fear I feel kindness toward the world. Its not a sophisticated feeling, but it is simple and humble and plain and beautiful. A simple feeling of loving being alive and love of the things I am encountering
- I’m just experiencing life and the world. There is not a lot of complex thought about that process
- I feel simple, plain, unadorned. It is as if I am a very forthright peasant, or a healthy child
- I feel a flash of fear again which quickly recedes
- I feel a dull headaches just behind my forehead
- I feel a bit of burning in the midback
- Laterally from the spine to the curve of my ribs
- This burning is on the surface of my skin
Dream: This dream occurred the night after the C4 trituration. I was homeless and was sleeping outside comfortably, near a bus stop with my dogs. I was quite happy, chatting with everyone who walked by. I saw a big St. Bernard dog, and was under the impression that this dog was guarding me and watching over me.
Normally the idea of being so insecure would have terrified me. But under the influence of Badagia C4, I could accept even homelessness, with the knowledge I would be happy and protected.
Image Credit: Kirk L. Onthank. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Spongilla_lacustris.jpg
